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We hear the words “irreconcilable differences” used many times as a
reason for divorce. Isn’t that just another way of saying
“unresolved conflict?” The world has distorted the meaning of many
words and phrases. Conflict in marriage is inevitable, so why is
there so little damage control? What are we going to do about it?
There are a number of avenues one can take with the onset of
conflict but you must always keep in mind your final destination.
If the final destination is
truly reconciliation and healing, then we need healthier ways of
dealing with conflict. For years I traveled down unproductive paths
that led to frustration and hurt – both for me and for Gary. One of
those was avoidance. Even when I felt very convicted about a
subject or an issue in our marriage or family, often I would just
keep quiet – not speaking up to voice my opinion. That would lead
to an inner anger and deep frustration that may surface in a later,
unrelated argument. The most obvious result of my tendency to
“bury” things was that we experienced no changes in our marriage
dynamics. Often that would result, in turn, to a destructive
self-talk – “Gary is never going to change” or “Nobody has ever
cared how I feel, so why bother now?”
In sharp contrast to
avoidance, another path onto which I would often wander was that of
aggressive confrontation. In those situations, I would hold back
nothing. I wanted Gary to hurt like I was hurting. As a result
anything and everything was fair game. If I had “stuffed” things in
the past, this was the time when it all came out. Invariably, going
down this path led to both of us forgetting what the original issue
was. The conflict simply became an exercise in hurting the other
and defending oneself – a battle of the wills. The result of this
approach was that both of us retreated into our own worlds, often
not speaking to one another for days, while we licked our wounds.
For years those were my main
means of operation and the damage left behind was not a pretty
sight. Then one day God showed me His way. When conflict blocks
you from moving on, ask God, “What is really going on here?” You
may be surprised to find that conflict may sound like a negative but
when God is at the controls it may be the best paved road to
self-awareness.
The healthier approach that
both Gary and I attempt to call upon when we feel tension or strife
arising between us is to call a “time out.” We don’t avoid the
topic, but, rather, we choose to set a time to continue the
discussion after each of us has had an opportunity to go to God and
to collect our thoughts. The question, “What is really going on
here?” is particularly relevant at this point. I truly want to know
God’s perspective on the situation, so I ask Him. It is powerful to
see the things that God will reveal to me during these times of
reflection. The question also applies to my heart. “What is
really going on here?” Is it really about Gary or is it a deep
unhealed wound that I buried long ago? Knowing that Gary is going
through the same process makes coming together to discuss the
situation far less intimidating and destructive.
The definition of insanity
is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different
results (Ben Franklin). When I finally realized that our
“irreconcilable differences” were not allowing us to create the
marriage and home that God intended for us, I chose a different
path. You, too, can choose to deal with conflict with your spouse
in a different manner. Even if you initially travel this path
alone, without your spouse, you will be astounded at the changes in
your marriage dynamics.
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