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September 24,
2006
My husband and
I just spent two days with Gary and Elvira Delaplane. My
husband arranged for us to go to their home for intensive counseling
after I asked him for a divorce. We have been married almost
11 years, and have a beautiful 18-month-old son. Of course I
didn’t want to divorce, I simply felt there was no way to heal what
was left after years of us bungling up so many aspects of our
marriage. Escaping seemed the only way to find emotional and
mental peace.
We have both
been Christians since childhood, but neither of us had been in a
time of heavy spiritual growth for some time. Our marriage has
never been anchored in biblical teachings. We had rarely ever
prayed together. Our parents did not model Christian marriage
to us. We had tried to make it work using our own strength,
and we failed. Thankfully, my husband immediately turned to
God the day I asked for a divorce. He prayed constantly, read
the Bible as well as anything else he could get his hands on about
saving our marriage. I was pretty numb. I felt like his
revived spiritual life was just a way to manipulate me into staying,
that the changes he was making would only be temporary. But at
the same time, my feelings started to sway back and forth between
going and staying.
Ritchie had a
list of things he wanted us to try. He wanted us to go to a
four-day marriage retreat for couples on the brink of divorce. I
didn’t want to waste the time or money - or deal with the headache
of arranging childcare for such a long period of time – since I
really felt divorce would be our final destination. I could tell it
meant a lot to him, so I told him I would compromise and go to a
two-day retreat of some sort. Long story made short, we ended up
planning to spend those two days with the Delaplanes.
Even two days
before we went, I was certain we would divorce. My heart became
more willing on Wednesday night. Ritchie had asked me to pray
again, which just seemed so bothersome at the time, even though
every time we had prayed together in the past several weeks, I had
felt at least a glimmer of hope and peace. That night we prayed,
and then we talked. I felt my heart softening. It scared me. I
didn’t want to become vulnerable to this man again.
The next day
(the day before we met with the Delaplanes), I started out the day
still dreading the two days of counseling ahead. But by lunchtime,
I was feeling really different. I called a friend of mine and told
her that I thought I was going crazy, because I now wanted to make
things work. She told me I wasn’t crazy, and we discussed some of
the changes Ritchie and I could make to improve our situation. One
of those things was for Ritchie to go back to working at the office
instead of in our home. There is some truth to absence making the
heart grow fonder, and being together 24/7 was rather smothering for
me. I really did not want to ask Ritchie to do this though. I
didn’t feel I could ask him to make such a big sacrifice for me,
because I know how much easier it is for him to work from home.
Well, I got home, and within a few minutes of arriving, Ritchie told
me he had decided to go back to the office full time. I cried. I
asked him why he had come to this decision, and he said God had told
him that he needed to do it for me. This event – a miracle to me –
completely prepared my heart for the next two days.
We are lucky to
have both arrived at the Delaplane home on Friday morning with
willing, open hearts. We were ready to hear what God wanted to tell
us. We were instantly comfortable with Gary and Elvira. Being with
another couple made such a difference. I think if we had been with
just a man or just a woman, it would have lessened the experience
for us tremendously. We talked about the true meaning of intimacy
based on scripture. It was a very interactive format, with open
conversation at all times. We talked about emotional needs,
identifying and defining the ten that we all have, discussing that
we all have a few that are more important to us individually. Gary
and Elvira were candid with us throughout the day about their own
marriage. Gary went through their genograms in the afternoon,
showing us how behaviors and hurts of previous generations affect us
in so many ways, mostly by determining the emotional needs that will
be the strongest for us individually. Ritchie and I did an exercise
on the first day to explain to one another what one of the ten
emotional needs would look like to us if it were fulfilled in our
marriage. It not only taught us about what the other needed, but
also encouraged us to look into our own hearts and discover what we
need from one another.
The second day
we spent a couple of hours each on our own genograms. We learned
about ourselves and each other – found out new things about our
families, and gained clarity regarding each other’s wounds from the
past. We all four talked - explaining, asking questions,
commenting, and making connections. All four of us laughed and
cried. It was enlightening and freeing. It made me proud to see
that Ritchie has already tackled some really big demons that have
been haunting his family for generations. It gave me new
understanding into my in-law’s lives, and into my own family as
well. We also discussed our emotional cup – how the negative from
the past takes up all of the room in our cup, leaving little room
for the good that God has to offer. We learned how letting the bad
go would open up room in our cup for God’s love to overflow.
At the end of
the second day, we discussed the importance of confession and
forgiveness; and we learned how to accomplish it in our marriage.
We learned about Godly sorrow – of realizing the sadness our actions
had caused God and our spouse. We learned about not rationalizing
our actions, simply to admit that we were wrong; to acknowledge how
it must have made our spouse feel; and to ask forgiveness. We
learned to grant forgiveness, even if our hearts balked – because
God will provide the feelings of forgiveness in time. We learned
that we had to talk about each of these things specifically, and
once we have given forgiveness, to really let it go. And then, we
practiced the process. It was powerful on both the giving and
receiving ends. I felt so understood by Ritchie.
Our hearts were
open and yearning for how to accomplish a Christ centered marriage
when we arrived that Friday morning. Gary and Elvira gave us the
information and encouragement we so desperately needed. I am so
thankful that they are being obedient to God and serving Him through
this ministry. I can only imagine the impact this experience will
have on our lives, and those of our family and friends.
I know that
this has been a pivotal experience for our marriage. It really
almost feels like a new marriage, free from the weight of the past.
We haven’t completely healed, and we don’t know what it will feel
like to be Christ-like in our roles as husband and wife through the
daily grind just yet. But now we know how to get there, and how to
stay there no matter what obstacles are put in our way. Our
marriage is new in Christ, and we are rejoicing!
Molly and Ritchie White
Columbus, GA
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