CAN YOU AVOID THESE TRAPS?

A few weeks ago we were in a session with a couple who was falling into an argumentative trap that is likely to be familiar to most of us. As we listened to the symptoms of their dysfunctional “dance,” I (Gary) summed up their situation with the simple observation, “Women don’t want to be neglected and men don’t want to be nagged.”

I realize that comment is not the most profound, but there is a great deal of truth in it. It’s not that we consciously do things to frustrate our spouse, but our excuses often reveal the truth. “Of course I don’t intentionally neglect my wife, BUT I have to bring home a paycheck, don’t I? There are only so many hours in a week.” or “I said that I never wanted to become my mother, BUT if I don’t remind my husband about the things that are important to me, he will forget about them.”
Sometimes we are reluctant to try a new approach - the old, ineffective patterns are so very comfortable. As a television personality often asks, “How is that working for you?”

So how do we change patterns that we find irritating and painfully repetitive? These two issues require very different approaches.

Husbands, realize that all of us need to feel valued and desire to be a top priority with our loved ones. A woman’s need to be pursued and to be the “Beauty in the tale of life” is well explained in John and Staci Eldredge’s book Captivating. To fully understand your wife’s need for attention and love requires an intentional and life-long pursuit of her heart. No one knows her heart as well as God knows it. Prayerfully ask for His guidance: “Please show me how to love my wife in the way she needs to be loved. Show me how to be the husband she needs.” Take the initiative to date your wife, to put her needs first.

Wives, you can’t change your husband. Accept it. Only God can change a person’s heart. What you can do is to affirm your husband and show him appreciation for the things that he does well. Every man is a little boy still wondering, “Do I measure up? Am I good enough?” Express your desires in terms of your needs, not what your husband has failed to do. You, too, should turn to God, who deeply knows your husband’s heart. Pray for His wisdom and intervention to help you be the wife your husband needs.

Are you willing to trust your marriage to God?.

PLEASE CONTINUE TO HELP MDM TO HEAL MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES

We thank every one of you for your generous support, your encouragement, and your prayers in 2007. We ended our first full year as a ministry with all of our expenses covered due to your generosity.

In the first four months of 2008 we have seen a significant increase in the number of inquiries and referrals for marital and pre-marital counseling. This year we seek to further expand the numbers of couples with whom we work through workshops and speaking engagements.

We need your contributions to continue to come alongside couples and individuals regardless of their ability to pay. Every donation makes a difference and is deeply appreciated. MDM is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit corporation. Please send your gifts to Mourning Dove Ministries, 870 Doe Hill Lane, Roswell, GA 30075 or through the ministry’s secure web-site by clicking the link below .

SAID EVEN BETTER…

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
          -Ruth Bell Graham

When you blame another for your behavior, all trust is gone.
          -J. Frost

MDM’S DIFFERENT APPROACH TO COUNSELING

“Every couple should go through this type of healing.”
“I’m really enjoying hanging out with my wife.”

These are typical of the quotes that we have heard from couples recently.

We don’t have all the answers, but we do offer an alternative approach to healing and strengthening marriages.

Key differences include:

• Couple with couple interaction

• Minimum session lengths of 2 hours; extended sessions are available

• The creation of a warm and safe environment - the “living room” approach

• Intimacy Therapy as our core theory - to promote healing and to address causes rather than symptoms.

• The integration of coaching into the sessions to equip couples to interact in new ways in their relationship.

Call to Action: Please pass on our contact information to those couples who may benefit from this approach.

PROTECTION FROM “DRIFTING APART”

Couples sometimes drift apart after several years of marriage. We like to suggest a few ways couples can preserve the gift of love God has given them.

First, we encourage couples to verbalize - to let their spouse know that they miss them, care about them, and appreciate them. Gentle words are soothing, reassuring and communicate that “You’re special to me!”

We encourage couples to ask one another about the words they speak so that they can speak meaningful words to one another. We also encourage them to ask about their actions. For example, a wife might say: “Proverbs 31 speaks about a wife comforting her husband. What can I do to be more comforting to you?” On the other hand, a husband might say: “Ephesians 5 speaks about a husband giving himself up for his wife. How can I demonstrate this to you?” We encourage couples to ask one another about home atmosphere so that their homes can be comforting or relaxing to both spouses, which positively impacts their relationship.

Next we ask couples to empathize with one another. It is important that both spouses feel the freedom to express frustration, anxiety, or fear. Couples can do that through empathetic words and touch. This shows a person how much it hurts to see his or her spouse sad. We encourage couples to reaffirm their love and concern for one another and to reaffirm their commitment to come alongside and share one another’s burdens.

Finally, we encourage couples to never lose sight of the impact small gestures can make in a marriage. We’re talking about small gestures such as welcoming your spouse home when he or she has been away, noticing your spouse each evening, making eye contact, and talking about what’s important to each other that day.

What steps will you take today to begin protecting the love you and your spouse share?

THE HARDENED HEART

In several places throughout the Bible we are warned, “Do not harden your heart.” How does that wisdom apply to our marriages and relationships?

Hardening of the heart simply means that we have closed our hearts to change. We are no longer receptive to God’s guidance and instruction; we selfishly cling to “our way” as being the best or only way to deal with life.

A hardened heart is like an impenetrable wall that leaves no room for God, others or change. We may feel “safe” but the loneliness of that isolation will eventually catch up with us. It is a choice to keep your heart pliable and open to the love of God and others - love that brings healthy change and growth. And such a heart is the only source for sowing unconditional love and comfort into the lives of others. Choose to live vulnerably.

MARRIAGE BY THE NUMBERS

85% - the percentage of the U.S. population that will marry at least once.
75% - the percentage of those who divorce who will eventually remarry.
50% - the odds that a couple marrying today will divorce.
37% - of U.S. families are living as single-parent homes.
30% - of all children in the U.S. will spend at least some time in a step-family.
25% - the percentage of couples predicted to be still happily married after 10 years of marriage.
10% - the approximate percentage of the U.S. population which is currently divorced.
Hard work is required to avoid becoming one of the “negative” statistics.

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