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“I don’t want my husband to have to think about doing loving and
romantic things for me – I want him to do them ‘naturally.’” As a
wife spoke these words in one of our counseling sessions, we glanced
over at her husband. His glazed eyes reflected the sense of
helplessness that we knew he felt at that moment.
Elvira and I have somewhat of a strange marriage – I am
a diehard romanticist, she is not. I showed up for our first date
with a red rose in hand, I gave her a beautiful hand-picked string
of pearls on our fifth anniversary, and this summer I celebrated the
30th anniversary of the day that we met. I guess all of those family
trips to the drive-in movies to watch Elvis Presley in the 1960’s
paid off to some degree in forming my view of romance.
Unfortunately, those things were not Elvira’s primary love language.
So I had to learn to be more intentional – more deliberate – in
doing the things that appealed to her heart rather than the things
that came naturally to me.
Couples do not seek coaching or counseling because they are joyfully
overwhelmed by having all of their needs met by their spouse.
Instead, we usually see two people who love one another, but have no
clue how to co-labor with God to express that love to their husband
or wife. We often slip into patterns of communications and
interactions with our wives that are viewed as confrontational or
irritating. Those patterns were developed over a lifetime of
experiences – most of which occurred before you ever laid eyes on
your wife. Those natural, spontaneous reactions may have worked in
your family of origin or during various stages of your earlier life,
but they may not be working well with your wife. Both of you have
likely developed unhealthy ways of responding to one another that
may now define most of your daily marital interactions.
Changing habits requires work. Once you have determined what your
wife really needs you will have to develop new habits. That takes
intention and deliberate choices. At first they may seem contrived
and “unnatural.” Your wife may even express her skepticism that your
changes are free of ulterior motives, “So what’s going on? What do
you want?” Be patient and hang in there. As your responses to your
wife truly come from your desire to meet her spiritual, emotional
and physical needs, you will be astounded by the results.
“But I’m just not a romantic, feely-touchy type of guy….” Trust
me…contrary to conventional wisdom, most women have very
uncomplicated desires. Start by simply asking her, “What can I do to
make you feel more loved?” Her responses will give you a clue. Pick
one or two and start being intentional about doing them. She’ll be
thrilled.
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