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See if you can relate
to the following scenario: Your wife and you disagree about some
seemingly minor issue, say, for example, your reluctance to stay in
the kitchen to wash the dinner dishes as you hear Hank Williams
Junior’s resonant voice announcing the beginning of Monday night
football. Despite your best efforts to apply logic to the
situation – perhaps even offering to do the dishes the rest of the
week – the argument seems to escalate out of control. The next
thing you know she is reminding you of every inconsiderate, selfish
act that you’ve committed since 1986. You want to throw the
yellow flag, “Unfair! What does that have to do with washing the
dishes one lousy night of the week?!”
For years
I dealt with the maddening process of hearing Elvira bringing up all
of my past failings, usually accompanied by the anger-inducing
ending, “You’re never going to change!” The intensity of the
argument seemed to predict how far back into our history she would
dig to remind me what a jerk I had been. It felt like a life
sentence – that I would continue to pay for past indiscretions until
I lay on my death bed. Apparently my apologies and pledges to never
repeat certain behaviors fell on deaf ears. This pattern continued
for twenty years in our marriage, until I began to understand the
workings of a woman’s heart and the power of true confession and
forgiveness.
Unhealed hurts will stay in a woman’s heart and she
will not forget them! It doesn’t matter if two weeks have
passed…or two decades. There is, however, a wonderful and proven
process that will lead to true healing of those hurts and will
release both of you to experience deeper intimacy in your
relationship. I’ll use a situation from our own marriage to explain
the process.
Elvira and
I dated for only five months before we eloped on New Year’s Eve,
1977. You would think that I couldn’t have made too many blunders
in that short time, but I hurt Elvira very deeply through one of my
selfish acts. There were several Saturday date nights when we would
end the evening at my condominium. I would often give Elvira the
line, “I really don’t want you driving back to your house this late”
or “Just stay here tonight. We’re not ‘doing anything’ except
‘cuddling.’ That’s o.k.” She would inevitably protest that “It
isn’t right” or “What kind of Christian witness is that for your
neighbors, particularly if they see my car outside overnight?” I
would often wear her down with my “logic” and a bit of pouting. The
next day, however, was always a bit tense. She would be convicted
that our behavior was absolutely wrong and would tell me so.
Sometimes I agreed and sometimes I would simply ignore her. I would
allow the issue to blow over…for a couple of weeks and then I would
fall into the same pattern.
In my mind
I “repented” and fixed the situation when we got married. Never
again would I put Elvira in the compromising position of doing
something against her will and better judgment. End of story…or so
I thought.
Periodically, when we would be in the midst of a disagreement,
Elvira would blurt out something like, “You’re being controlling and
manipulative just like you were when we were dating!” My mind would
scream, “Where did that come from?” Our disagreement
would then inevitably degrade to a shouting match and end up with
both of us withdrawing in total frustration.
About
twenty years into our marriage, in a small group environment through
our church, we began to study the Intimate Encounters
(Intimacy Press, 1997) marriage curriculum written by Dr. David and
Teresa Ferguson. A key tool to which we were introduced was the
concept of “confession and forgiveness.” The first time that Elvira
and I attempted to work through the process, we addressed the
obvious and recent hurts that we had inflicted upon one another. We
felt the resultant changes in our depth of intimacy, but inherently
knew that there had to be something more. Eventually we “got
serious” about the process and it changed our marriage beyond our
wildest dreams.
Unlike the
worldly approach to apologies with emphasis on a meaningless “I’m
sorry,” true confession and forgiveness begins with our relationship
with God. When we’ve hurt another through our actions, words, or
neglect, we have also hurt the heart of God. Often we carry guilt
and the offended person may bear anger and bitterness. The
following steps will lead to new levels of healing in your
relationships:
1. Accept
Responsibility. Our normal tendency is to try to explain away
or to rationalize our behaviors when we are caught in a hurtful
action. Often our apologies are accompanied by phrases such as
“…, but…” or “If you hadn’t…., I would not have…” Accepting
responsibility means looking only at our part in the hurtful act.
“What I did was wrong.” Period. No words of explanation or
justification.
2. Reflect.
Take the time to reflect on the ways in which you have hurt your
spouse and marriage. Prayerfully consider the specific
ways, not generalities, that your behaviors or words have
inflicted pain on your loved ones. Ask God to reveal both the
obvious and the subtle pain for which you are responsible.
3. Confess to
God. Before going to your spouse or loved one, confess your
sins before God and ask for his forgiveness. He is quick to
forgive our sincere hearts. There is great personal healing in
the process of confession and asking for God’s assistance to
become the person that he wants us to be. Godly sorrow touches
our heart when we feel the pain that we have inflicted upon
another. Godly sorrow causes us to seek God’s way rather than our
way.
4. Confess to the
Other. Confess the wrong that you committed to your spouse.
As stated above, that confession must be without qualifications,
explanations or any other wording that minimizes the impact of a
repentant heart. Be specific. And the key to healing a woman’s
heart is describing how the wrong must have made her
feel. Even if you don’t hit the exact emotional descriptors, her
sense that you have begun to understand the depth of the hurt that
she experienced will help her to conclude, “I believe this guy has
a clue. If he truly understands how he hurt me, then I can
believe that he will not hurt me in that way again.” This sets
the stage for her to make the decision to forgive –
to “let it go.” Ask for her forgiveness.
5. Implement a New
Behavior. Having experienced Godly sorrow and the healing
process of confession and forgiveness, you will be compelled to
create new ways of interacting with your spouse to avoid similar
pain in the future and replace it with deeper intimacy.
When
Elvira and I sat down to heal all of the hurt that we had allowed to
accumulate over the two decades of our marriage, I was immediately
convicted to address the hurt that I had inflicted during our
dating. After confessing my sin to God, I approached my wife.
“Elvira, the pressure on you to spend the night with me while we
were dating was wrong. I realize that my behavior hurt you. It
probably made you feel conflicted and used and untrusting of me. I
imagine you were looking to me to provide spiritual leadership for
us as a couple and I betrayed that faith in me. I now understand
the things I did also hurt the heart of God. I commit to never
hurting you in that way in the future and I will truly try to honor
you in all ways. Will you forgive me?”
Twenty years of hurt came forth in Elvira’s sobbing cries as we held
one another. I cried with her and we both experienced incredible
healing as she extended her forgiveness to me. The situation has
never again come up in our discussions or disagreements. It was
healed.
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